tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42084258052363799502024-03-05T12:16:06.488-08:00Meet Me In the MarginsWryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.comBlogger130125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-89550329512721689692017-01-06T16:06:00.000-08:002017-01-07T14:31:00.960-08:00Book Review: Tara Hardy's My, My, My, My, My, Last month I went to the the book release for <i>My, My, My, My, My,</i> and I was completely blown away by Tara Hardy's performance of her works and by her immense generosity with us as an audience. Her warmth engulfed us. And since then it's taken me a month to read through her book. Yes, because life is busy (graduated from my MFA program and all so woo hoo), but also because the 124 page book of confessional and musical poetry and prose is huge and magical. We're talking a freaking Tardis of a book here people.<br />
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Let me explain. To me, the most remarkable trait of <i>My, My, My, My, My, </i>is its cohesive tone. It maintains this unity of voice despite the wide range of themes and topics and especially despite Hardy's diverse use of poetic and prosaic forms and approaches. These potentially disparate elements are held together in part by the repetition of motifs and scenes. The recurrence of a scene between a spider and a ladybug, and the refrain of a lilac tree named Miss Lady offered solid welcoming footholds and echoed the harsher but similarly steady echoes and monotonous repetitions of what it is to live with illness or what it is to live with your trauma always in you.<br />
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What cements the cohesion of <i>My, My, My, My, My</i>, as miraculous, what gives it its strange magic is that it is held together through deep dives into many and particularly heavy topics. This book is not a simple book. It is not an "easy" read. In the month it took me to read it, I had to put it down several times because it struck me so strongly. I know it's corny and I don't care: It brought me to tears on multiple occasions and made me laugh out loud alone in my bedroom and once while on the train to the airport. <i>My, My, My, My, My,</i> is a book about growing up, it's about body, it's about divorce, it's about getting sick and getting sicker and fearing death until that fear becomes as familiar as the feel of a butterknife in your hand, it's about abuse and incest, it's about the saving grace of a dog's face, it's about survival and it's also a guide for how to survive and how to revel in this sharp glinting gift of life.<br />
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<i>My, My, My, My, My,</i> is not a book about balance, it is balance incarnate. It embodies the deeply shifting struggle and triumph of staying alive. The specifics of Hardy's life will draw you in but it is her alchemically balanced mode of storytelling that will invite you and your own struggles and triumphs into the book. Hardy's gift in <i>My, My, My, My, My,</i> is the pocket she opens for the reader to crawl into. When you finish <i>My, My, My, My, My,</i> the book, and everything in it will belong to you completely. And also you will belong more to yourself.Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-56807905618518417772016-05-06T18:21:00.000-07:002016-05-06T21:23:04.646-07:00On The Antioch Review's choice to publish and promote transphobic content<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Content warning: transphobia, sexism, cultural supremacy (esp in the first link, click with caution!)</i><br />
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In its Winter 2016 Issue the literary magazine The Antioch Review published Daniel
Harris’s essay titled “<a href="http://review.antiochcollege.org/sacred-androgen-transgender-debate-daniel-harris">The Sacred Androgen: The TransgenderDebate</a>.” At the beginning of his essay Harris brings up the topic of the
transgender experience as one might broach a topic at a fancy dinner party.
He nervously presents a few nonspecific facts (eg: high rates of depression and
suicide among transfolks).</div>
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He presents these facts like he’s testing the room. He wants
you, the reader, to know he’s hip, that he reads the news. Citing the facts seems
neutral enough. But, as many oppressed individuals know, the facts are never neutral.
By pre-empting his views with a three sentence patina of cold hard facts about
the suffering of others, he wants to show you he’s objective, that he has no skin
in the game, that his perspective is fully formed and informed.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I don’t have that luxury. As a transgender author and active
member of the literary community, my skin is always being dragged into the game
Harris wants to deny he is even playing. My conception of transgender experiences
is constantly being informed and re-formed. And I can’t write about the
experience of transgender people objectively. The facts hurt me too much. I can’t
write this from the perspective of society, only from myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I'm a transgender poet, nonfiction writer, and graduate
student in Antioch University's MFA program. I also work as a peer writing consultant at Antioch University Seattle. Although Antioch College (the
source of the publication in question) and Antioch University are no longer
officially affiliated, they share names and a lot of history. Even though these
institutions are not longer connected, I am ashamed that the university I
currently attend shares so much with an institution that now
supports such bigoted views. Harris's words threaten my very existence, as well
as to the work I do in validating and archiving transgender voices and
narratives in the literary landscape.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The essay itself made me physically sick to read. It was
sometimes so blatantly wrong the only thing I could do was laugh. (Did Harris
do ANY research?) The way he uses people's bodies and the choices they make
about those bodies to prop up his bigotry was absolutely horrifying.
The way he shames women and trans people for making surgical changes to their
bodies combines both sexism and transphobia into one revolting sour note of supremacy.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yet beyond the reductive misinformation Harris espouses, the patronizing tone of the essay itself was deeply upsetting to me. As someone who writes
nonfiction, I simply can't understand writing something like that and not
realizing it's so condescending that it borders on parody. It's not just bad
politics. It's bad essay writing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I'm offended by his words and also by the way he uses words. </div>
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No, not offended. I am actively harmed by the form and content of those words.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I am, however, more hurt by The Antioch Review. I know views
like Harris’s and the people who hold them exist. <a href="http://marginaldialogue.blogspot.com/2014/10/a-critique-of-transphobic-supposedly.html">I am reminded all the time</a>. I
am disappointed and appalled that The Antioch Review gave Harris a
platform. Not just because his polemic is obviously bigoted, but because I can
think of at least 10 transgender writers (myself included) who could've offered a more accurate, more engaging, and much better written. Yet it's
vocally transgender transgender writers whose work is labeled "divisive." It transgender writers whose work about their lives and culture, that get rejected or excluded from
so many literary spaces. Or those pieces don't get sent out from fear. Or because cisgender publishers neglected to solicit the opinions of trans people.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The Antioch Review’s promotion of the words in Harris’s essay,
more so than any of those words, is an enforcement and harsh reminder of the
fact that literary culture isn’t safe for transgender people, that is doesn’t want
our voices and our stories. It signals a tacit agreement with Harris, that
when transgender people ask to be recognized accurately, that we are
asking too much:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
TGs [transgender individuals] have ambushed the debate and
entangled us in a snare of such trivialities as the proper pronouns with which
to address them, protocol as Byzantine and patronizing as the etiquette for
addressing royalty</blockquote>
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The words of the essay itself also generalize about
transgender experiences in a way that erases my identity as a trans masculine
genderqueer person. It ignores anybody with a non-binary gender and assumes all
trans people want to undergo or have gone through gender affirmation surgery. It’s from
this reductive assumption, that Harris claims trans people are enforcing gender
norms and that we are "running away" from homophobia, that we, en
masse, are trying to assimilate into heterosexual culture. </div>
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(this was one of the
parts where I had to laugh)<o:p></o:p></div>
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Harris’s framing of himself and his cisgender gay peers as
valiantly resistant to assimilation, and also as victims of purported bullying
at the hands of transgender activists who just want to be recognized as who
they are, is downright disgraceful. It's disgusting, self aggrandizing, and
disrespectful. It’s a naked moment of pushing someone else down to raise
yourself up. Harris's need to see himself as more right and more persecuted
(aka noble) than trans people has cost me my sense of security in the literary
community and has blocked his worldview off from the rich wisdoms, truths, and
stories of transgender people.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I fear for myself and my peers because of what he's said.
And I pity him. Because, through his own denial, he'll never know or want to
understand the beautiful and complex cultures, stories, and possibilities that
trans people create. And we create them daily dammit!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Shame on The Antioch Review. Pity for Daniel Harris.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Please <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Pa55lmSxJ-SSgdpqS9s8dJuwOA64J-eUaozbmxocgww/preview">sign this petition denouncing the Antioch Review</a>’s promotion
of transphobic content.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-68787602252095683012016-04-06T11:25:00.000-07:002016-04-06T11:25:43.698-07:00New Voices: Self-Portrait With Tumbling and Lasso<a href="https://www.dropbox.com/home?preview=New+Recording.m4a">By Eduardo C. Corral, from his 2012 book <i>Slow Lightning</i>.</a><br />
<br />
<br />Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-86822852460506405152016-04-05T12:00:00.002-07:002016-04-05T12:00:41.495-07:00Poetry Month Project: New VoicesI've decided to start a small project for poetry month. I'm starting a bit late but showing up and starting is more important than getting it right. So here I am.<br /><br />The project is simple: Read aloud a new (to me) poem every day in April. Record it and post publicly.<br /><br />My goals for taking on this project are a tad more complicated so I will try to keep them to a simple list. I might write about how it affects me. But later.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The goals:<br /><ol>
<li>Familiarize myself with new poets and the lesser known works of poets I already admire.</li>
<li>Become more accustomed to reading poetry aloud. Normalize this practice in my life.</li>
<li>Become more accustomed to the way that testosterone has changed my voice.</li>
</ol>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Today's poem:</div>
<div>
<a href="https://www.dropbox.com/s/0f900pvr124rvqx/Litany.m4a?dl=0">Richard Siken's Litany In Which Certain Thing Are Crossed Out</a></div>
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This project was inspired by queer and trans magic.</div>
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Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-7312803691420971842016-01-11T13:44:00.000-08:002016-01-11T19:52:47.728-08:00Today a Thin White Giant Fell from Earth<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 17.9111px;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5rjNY8dMzc">My brain hurts like a warehouse, it has no room to spare.</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 17.9111px;">I have David Bowie to thank for the very first time I waxed philosophical on the penis. At 10 I remember his shimmering codpiece as if it took up 2/3s of the screen. And maybe it did. It's been years since I watched Labyrinth. But this morning I woke up hungry for his peach and nothing else will do. I especially want the worm inside. His was the first force to awaken the dreaming worm of weirdness beneath all my sweet curvatures and juice. The first to offer graffiti'd hints that my pit might be something much more tricky.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 17.9111px;">My sophomore year of college youtube was still a novelty. Once I found him seducing Mick Jagger into shaking his ass and pressing fiery foreheads together, I watched the "Dancing in the Street" video at least 300 times that winter. I forced all of my friends to watch it too. It kept us warm. It doesn't matter that in the 90's they both took their passions back in respective interviews. Evidence for their overwritten queerness still exists. I still love him. I already miss him through my lack of forgiveness. I would still go down on his ego. Gladly.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 17.9111px;">The first time I heard "Space Oddity" I almost cried and then the key change saved me from folding in like my mother was prone to. Confident jerking guitar pulls brought oxygen back to the chest cavity his solemn space opera had thrust into vacuum. After that I never again remembered how to breathe normally. My lungs knew from then on, the dazzling strangeness of his universe.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 17.9111px;"> This morning I full-on sobbed before his hope came in to save me. (My mother would be proud). </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 17.9111px;">"Tell my wife I love her very much."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 17.9111px;">"It's time to leave the capsule if you dare."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 17.9111px;">He dared and dared and dared. Without him I'd never have understood how to accomplish the necessary risk of leaving my capsule.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 17.9111px;">He, mystical glittery beast, unweaving himself each musical season, and saying "Yes" to every possible version of himself </span></span>– <span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 17.9111px;">He, sex on two milky-thin matchsticks, shattered the panicky distance between us and alien. He put a shine on the things my adolescence feared touching: Sex, Loss, & Otherness. In many ways I see his career as a 50-year long public adolescence. Now that he's gone the way only his space ship knows to go; now that his bright flare of earthly puberty has ended, and the rest of humanity remains, I fear we'll find ourselves far too grown up. So let's remember his hair throwing (caution to the wind) and tenor-into-baritone trajectory as we recall our very first tweenage desires, with ache and a sharp-but-tender recklessness.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 17.9111px;"><br /></span></span>Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-87363389732078630032016-01-10T17:18:00.002-08:002016-01-10T17:48:42.685-08:00Gender as Negative Space: A Quick Response to Kat Blaque asking "What Defines Gender?"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">To me, as a nonbinary trans masculine poet, I think about the rightness or definition of my gender in a similar way to how I think about a poem that resonates deep down into my soul. Sure, I can point to concrete details big, small, and structural as to why that poem works for me, but that will never be the whole story of why it's so meaningful, why it feels <i>perfect</i>. It's a kind of magic. Which I know sounds hokey, but whatever.
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<span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know that I like slick images, em dashes, and enjambment, but that doesn't mean a poem with all these components will work for me.
I know I like getting sweaty, wearing a binder, painting my nails, fixing my bike, and being called "sir," but all of those things don't necessarily add up to my gender.</span></span><br />
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My gender, just like the meaning in poems, is too big/complicated to be defined just by the currently available language of words and physical/visual concepts (like fashion). Yes, gender is in these words and symbols, but gender is also in the negative space, the implied universe beyond definition. Gender exists in ways we don't have language or symbols for yet. But like a poem we don't wholly understand, yet moves us deeply, gender affects our lives. </span></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJsll6F1IMCFAWLbbJWcfoPXVheGun2sjSF7ukhnwhk_jw8AzUE40ES9Et3F3vUtj12cKbX2cnBe0DMbUC5xN1XWGMh44EOlFEqW9JH4SeBuIveVkNzMZRzTxgu1K3m6XuedKhbfRAGQQ/s1600/blogger-image--1560379573.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJsll6F1IMCFAWLbbJWcfoPXVheGun2sjSF7ukhnwhk_jw8AzUE40ES9Et3F3vUtj12cKbX2cnBe0DMbUC5xN1XWGMh44EOlFEqW9JH4SeBuIveVkNzMZRzTxgu1K3m6XuedKhbfRAGQQ/s400/blogger-image--1560379573.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">from Kim Addonizio's poetry manual <a href="http://marginaldialogue.blogspot.com/2014/10/book-review-ordinary-genius.html">Ordinary Genius</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I choose to believe this. It's a belief that keeps me alive and in my body. I hold on to it. Without this faith, I wouldn't have the courage to call myself a trans person or a poet. </span></span><span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know because I spent a long, dark, disconnected time</span><span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> not calling myself either because I didn't believe in the power of the unsayable. I wasn't closeted or hiding (yet). I was closed off to the possibility of being something currently undefined. <a href="http://marginaldialogue.blogspot.com/2015/06/selfies-self-acceptance-transition.html">Now I'm open</a>.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">And now that I'm out in this open/negative space, it's a bit scary and kind of lonely. People in a hurry </span></span><span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">sometime get angry that the words on the page are confusing and</span><span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> tend not to consider the negative space (aka the rest of my identity). Sometimes it hurts to be overlooked but honestly, I'm much happier this way. I don't feel so small. And, though it's sometimes lonely, I don't think I'm alone. Out here in the negative space is, I think,</span></span><span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> where we can all be our most complex and human. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, friend, come with me into the ample life-giving void. Let's boldly go where no words have gone before.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><3 Wryly</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">PS Watch all of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/TransDIYer/videos">Kat Blaque's videos</a> because they are SO amazing.</span></span>Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-26269223704171273332015-11-18T23:02:00.000-08:002015-11-18T23:02:33.333-08:00Reading list for Writing Our Lives Writing Ourselves Workshop (Spring 2015)The past spring I led an 8 week writing and reading workshop centered on reading and raising the voices of transgender writers. The following is the reading list from that workshop series.<br />
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Reading list for Writing Our Lives Writing
Ourselves</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">From
<b>THEM Issue I/2013 :</b></span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Janani
Balasubramanian, <i>Maybe a little girl will kill me tomorrow</i> (poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Calvin
Gimpelevich, <i>Innovation, Reversal, and Change</i><b> </b>(short story)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Mx
Glass, <i>Errae </i>and <i>American Crow</i><b> </b>(prose poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Van
Binfa, <i>Four Years</i> (poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Joy
Ladin, <i>Letter To Radfems </i>(poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">From
<b>Troubling The Line:</b></span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Amir
Rabiyah, <i>Escape Artist</i> (memoir/personal essay)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Aimee
Herman, <i>to soften</i><b> </b>(poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Ari
Banias, <i>Exquisite Corpse </i>(poem)<i> Solve for X</i> (poem) & <i>On
Being a Stranger. Instinct. Messiness, Binaries,
Failure, Discomfort, and How I Think I Write Poems </i>(personal essay)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">CA
Conrad. <i>Somatic Poetry</i> (prose poem) & <i>DON'T TAKE ANY SHIT!! A
(Soma)tic Poetics Primmer </i>(personal
essay)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">D'Lo,
<i>Poetics Statement</i> (personal essay)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Duriel
E. Harris, <i>Portrait </i>(poem) & <i>Poetics Statement</i> (prose poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Eli
Shipley, <i>Encounter </i>(poem), <i>Six</i> (poem), and <i>Boy with flowers </i>(poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Fabian
Romero, <i>My Name</i> (poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Jaime
Shearn Coan, <i>circulation </i>(poem)<i> </i>and <i>forcing the hand</i><b> </b>(poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Jen
(Jay) Besmer, <i>Eels Look Like Snakes</i> (visual poetry)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Jenny
Johnson, <i>Tail</i><b> </b>(poem) and <i>Poetics Statement</i><b> </b>(personal
essay)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Joy
Ladin, <i>Ready to Know</i><b> </b>(poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Lori
Selke, <i>Woman/Dog</i><b> </b>(poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Lizz
Bronson, <i>Creation Myth #3</i> (poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Oliver
Bendorf, <i>Split it Open Just to Count the Pieces</i> (poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Stacey
Waite, <i>Poetics Statement</i><b> </b>(personal essay)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Meg
Day, <i>Sit On the Floor with Me</i> and <i>When all you have is a hammer,
everything looks like a nail</i></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Eric
Karin, <i>Verses Vs.</i>(poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Y.
Madrone, <i>Listen, we are coming down to straighten everything out.</i> (poem)
& <i>a chest is an embarassment
to have. </i>(poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Natro,
<i>Naturaleza</i>. (poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">kair
edwards, <i>each moment its own atmosphere </i>(poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">From
<b>Captive Genders<i>:</i></b></span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Paula
Witherspoon, <i>My Story </i>(prose)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Ralowe
Trinitrotoluene Ampu, <i>Hotel Hell </i>(prose)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">From
<b>Gender Failure:</b></span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Ivan
E. Coyote, <i>Many Moons. </i>and <i>A CautionaryTale </i>(prose)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Rae
Spoon, <i>How to Be a Transgender Country Singer</i> (prose)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">From
Julia Serano's <b>Whipping Girl </b>and <b>Excluded:</b></span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Julia
Serano, <i>Barrette Manifesto </i>(prose) and <i>Love Rant </i>(prose), <b>Whiping
Girl</b></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Julia
Serano, <i>Margins </i>(prose) & <i>Transfeminisms: There's no conundrum
about it </i>(prose), <b>Excluded</b></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">From
Janet Mock's <b>Redefining Realness:</b></span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Selected
excerpts</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">From
Nia King's <b>Queer and Trans Artists of Color:</b></span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Selected
excerpts</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">From
<b>Seasonal Velocities:</b></span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Ryka
Aoki, <i>Proestrus </i>(prose) and <i>Raccoon </i>(prose)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Online
Video Resrouces:</span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Andrea
Gibson, <i>Andrew</i> (poem and performance)</span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfCWiVUWQa8"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"> </span><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman";">h</span><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfCWiVUWQa8</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Andrea
Gibson, <i>The Madness Vase </i>(poem and performance)</span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtZp7MQE2ZM"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"> </span><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman";">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtZp7MQE2ZM</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Andrea
Gibson, <i>Jellyfish </i>(poem and performance)</span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgALhKr4ZZo"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"> </span><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman";">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgALhKr4ZZo</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Malic
White, <i>The Pink Stallion</i> via <b>The Moth<i> </i></b>(storytelling and
performance)</span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a46JPv_30u8"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"> </span><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman";">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a46JPv_30u8</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Miscellaneous
Sources:</span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Pride
and Exile </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">by
Eli Clare</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Thinking
Class: Sketches from a Cultural Worker<i> </i></span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">by Joe Kadi (formerly Joanna
Kadi)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Pretty
Eyes Ellis, <i>The Great Gape </i>from <b>Portals </b>(Lion's Main publication)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Cody
Pherigo's, <i>[The Voice of Internalized Oppression]; [It wasn't like _____, or
_____]</i> and <i>[Write about being an unwinged thing] </i>from <b>Animal
Sabbath</b> (poem)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">E.
L. Bangs <i>Interview with the Famed Roller Sara Zephyr Cain</i> from <b>Taking
the Lane </b>(fiction)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Aevee
Bee, <i>The Story is a Spell. The Story is a Curse. </i>by from</span><a href="http://www.mammonmachine.com/mammon-machine-central-routing/2015/2/27/who-writes-us"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"> </span><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mammonmachine.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Wryly
T. McCutchen, <i>Wrestling with Pronouns</i> (poem), <i>Either Oar</i> and <i>Hard
Rituals </i>(personal essay)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Aaron
Apps, selected excerpts from <i>Intersex </i>and <i>Dear Herculine</i> (prose
poetry)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Even
Aud,</span><a href="https://evenaud.wordpress.com/2013/04/18/on-being-a-disabled-bi-trans-person-and-the-idea-of-passing/"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"> <i>On being a disabled Bi trans person and the idea of
passing</i></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Red
Durkin, <i>A Roman Incident</i> from <b>The Collection</b></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Supplemental
works of (presumably) Cis authors</span></u><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> (for reading gender transgression into cis texts)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Ranier
Maria Rilke, <i>Archaic Torso of Apollo</i> and selections from <i>Sonnets to
Orpheus</i></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Sylvia
Plath, <i>Tulips</i></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Junot
Diaz <i>MFA vs POC</i></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-17863373597238647682015-06-09T10:55:00.000-07:002016-01-10T17:43:03.803-08:00Selfies, Self Acceptance, & Transition<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;">
Yesterday I posted and <a href="http://marginaldialogue.blogspot.com/2015/06/an-open-letter-to-my-loved-ones-who.html">open letter to loved ones who intentionally misgender me</a>. This post is a kind of sequel to that post. This post is for people who read that letter and want to know more about my transition. And it's going to be all about me and how good I look. So buckle up as I use the following photos to demonstrate how I feel and probably appear much more authentic than I have in the past.</div>
<div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;">
<img height="240px;" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/b3QQfPcbLP560EdcrMUdj9k9g5XP72A3P-0NcAyPetJU0Q2HWHy8zRvOKB3XXFYexia-aGq-tAhkQgiSpksZn-Q-Z5EHlKIjdXPa4mjkxXTCUyU6ktcIDaWcDdXnnrWpCR4ryequWBvmNfxd" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0.00rad); border: none; transform: rotate(0.00rad);" width="320px;" /><img height="257px;" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/HYykF7RuESUH4_qqhS4pGEK9UeK0DmF0I189V_djMSb2fupyzcS0aJHFS-uFPLJbMeyQFgGGQXgGkO7qa4hknd9GP4zISrQNCQ82WaiImY0r8U3o0p2OkinwUgcPWOi61yl60MCzesu1FHkg" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0.00rad); border: none; transform: rotate(0.00rad);" width="260px;" /></div>
<br />
<br />
Now this may initially seem like a clean cut portrait of triumph. But it's not some simplified escape or easy liberation narrative. I'm not here to invalidate the person I was 5 years ago. Just because I feel wiser and feel more myself today doesn't mean I actually am. There are inauthentic photographs of me now and surely there were photographs and undocumented moments of authentic joy in my past. My pre-transition life was not complete misery and my life today is by no means free from discomfort. But what I most want to highlight here is the fact that the bulk to the selfies I take today are much more reliably expressive and forthcoming than photos I've taken of myself in the past.<br />
<div>
<br />
I don't necessarily think I look better in these newer pictures. And actually I acknowledge that the way I look now deviates much more from common standards of beauty/attractiveness in my culture. I'm fully aware that I was “prettier” then and that prettiness fits easily onto my frame. But ease doesn't make a thing right. The contrast I see every time I look at these photos has little to nothing to do with physical beauty. <br />
<br />
For instance this person might be called handsome but probably not beautiful:<br />
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You can see more of the person I am in the the more current shots. In older photographs of me I see a shrinking. I see myself hiding my features I see a sort of failed demure-ness that I barely recognize as ever being part of myself. I remember seeing photos of myself back in 2006 and deleting all the candid shots I could find because they didn't conform to the kind of pretty I was trying so hard to project. I remember comparing candid and posed shots of myself and thinking and thinking, “You look pretty good when you're trying.”<br />
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One of the most prominent differences that I physically remember is that while being photographed I never allowed my crooked and yellow smile to be preserved on film. Sure I would smile and laugh big a lot but when the camera was about to click I'd tell myself to “tone it down.” So it's a bit of a lie to say physical beauty has nothing to do with this contrast, because I did a great deal of work in acting out what I thought was beauty. I approached putting on femininity was like it was my job. And I absolutely knew what customers would like. Like most people at the close of their 20s, I've climbed through a world nauseatingly full of suggestions on how to best express myself.<br />
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It's taken something like 10 years, but I've finally become more comfortable and somewhat skilled at living in my body and using it to express myself honestly. In pictures today I am more playful, unafraid of taking shots that don't conform to what's been decided as my “good angles”. In the only playful pictures I could find of my early twenties self, I'm either drunk, completely unaware a photo was being taken, or there was a person I trusted very deeply behind the camera.<br />
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This is the sort of photo I usually took of myself:<br />
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And this is the only pre-transition photo I could find of myself as an adult that I felt honest and forthcoming:<br />
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And I actually hid this photo for a long time because part of me knew it bespoke things about me I wasn't willing to be honest about quite yet. I was afraid and doubtful of the my own vulnerability and openness.</div>
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The person in the above photo and more current pics is noticeably less concerned with how others might perceive them. In some sense taking selfies is a ritual for me. Getting to see myself distracts me from what others might think. It's important that I make it a ritual because I can't quiet the constant anxious mutterings of disapproval in the background of my subconscious that pressure me to pay attention to what others think of me. Before transition I barely ever noticed that voice was wrong. It was a fixation that drove me without even asking. One that, if I'm not being vigilant, will seep back into my habits and put its ghostly thumb on the scale of my decisions.<br />
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Even now as I write this I can feel it telling me that people who read this will think I am shallow, vain, vulgar, and wrong and so of course shouldn't be writing this piece, not in public at the very least. The voice only speaks in run on sentence. And sometimes I am too tired or anxious about other things to ignore it. If someone happens to snap a photo in one of these disquiet moments I can feel myself diverting. I can feel the false demure creeping back in. I hear Tyra Banks telling me to “smize,” I strain to hold my face in a blank sort of positive. The results, while not completely dishonest seem completely vacant.<br />
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When these moments of anxious self-doubt strike I avoid making eye contact with the camera, and if I do look into the camera it is not playful. It's deferential to any potential viewer. In those moments I am either afraid to be seen or just not fully connected to myself and my own body.<br />
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So while a cursory glance at these pictures looks like a simple FtM; sad to happy; in-my-shell to out, transition, it's not really. Please don't read this as a before-and-after fairytale makeover style story. Self-acceptance is not a product or prize one earns. It can't be bought or earned or tricked into becoming. It just comes when it comes. I can't control or regulate self acceptance and confidence, those aren't things I can control directly.<br />
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I think most people get the idea of self acceptance all wrong. Kind of like how they get the idea of coming out all wrong. They think both of these are just something you do, then you're done. You accept yourself and then the work is over or that once you come out as gay, or transgender, or whatever that you're all done and can just live peacefully after that. Well let me tell you this: self acceptance, has an aftermath (just like coming out). It often fails to land because of resistance, deeply ingrained self-denial, or just plain clumsiness.<br />
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I've come out to my parents at least three times. Each incident went seemingly smoothly to me. There was some vacant smiling and the requisite “whatever makes you happy” sentiments. They nodded quietly. They didn't ask any of the questions I'd prepared myself to answer. They didn't ask anything at all. Their confusion and resistance only came later. Usually when my expressions had forced them to confront what they'd hoped was a private reality they'd tolerate about me. Each time I came out I mistook their vacant vaguely pleasant looks for acceptance. Just like 5 years ago, when I mistook my own vacant and vaguely pleasant looks for expressions of myself.<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">These days I nestle affirmations into my daily life. I've surrounded myself with a community of people that see me for what I am and commend me for it. And then when these moments of self acceptance do flash into me I catch them (sometimes on film) and cherish them. I make evidence so I can remind myself of what's possible. I never know how long I'll end up getting with these moments or when the next one will come along, so I try and keep my life open to them as best I can.</span></span><br />
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Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-40129496117912511412015-06-08T20:34:00.000-07:002016-02-22T12:13:46.896-08:00Call Me Wryly: An Open Letter to Loved Ones Who Intentionally Misgender Me<blockquote class="tr_bq">
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Hello friend, lover, family member/sibling. You are receiving this letter because you have called me by my former name, or refused to use my pronoun (they/them), and/or because you have willfully expressed sentiments that are doubtful of or hostile to the existence and experiences of transgender people (e.g. "transsexuals are confusing to our children.")<br />
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You might already know, but I'm transgender. I was assigned female by doctors and raised as a girl by my parents. For me being a girl was like wearing an ill fitting pair of pants for 12 years (from adolescence into mid 20's). I had to constantly adjust, cinch in, and fidget to find any semblance of comfort and normalcy.<br />
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But also I'd just gotten used to that discomfort and all the rituals surrounding it. I'd become accustomed to the fact that the gender I <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">was</span> raised with didn't quite fit. And honestly, I thought it was like that for all girls. I assumed that being a girl was supposed to be uncomfortable. The cultural teachings I was raised with about, the way Eve was punished for the Original Sin, and how "pain is beauty" supported this theory.<br />
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Now, I don't want to get into the specifics of my gender identity and how I realized it (we can talk about that later, just ask) but I want you to know that the thing you have the luxury of calling an opinion about gender is not a luxury I have. My gender is insistent and unconscious. I can't erase it or push it away with a conscious opinion. I can't choose to feel my gender differently any more than you can choose to dream what you dream about. If I suddenly changed my mind back to believing that trans people are just mentally ill (what I was taught and believed before) I would still feel uncomfortable in the ill fitting role of "girl." I'd still have to adjust constantly to get by and probably still feel mysteriously disingenuous (like I did for most of my early 20s).<br />
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So I took off the role of girl, and it feels sort of like standing in front of a crowd not wearing pants, or wearing something that is unrecognizable as a garment to most people.<br />
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People look away. People call me wrong, they call me obscene. But Lordy is it ever comfortable. Perhaps more importantly, it's honest. Not everyone recognizes me this way, but those who do see qualities and attributes that would never have been able to come through if I was still a girl.</div>
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That recognition, the comfort and honesty I share with myself and with my friends and family is worth any rejection or prejudice I face. The wisdom I get from being myself honestly is so much richer than pretending that my soul can fit into the outfit society gave me (which is a very fine thing. Womanhood is beautiful, just not a good fit for me).<br />
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Now comes the part that will possibly be offensive/difficult:<br />
When you call me"she" and "her" or when you use my my old name, it hurts me. It stings like a cruel nickname. Like being called "Freckles" if you hate your freckles or "Carrot Top" because you're a redhead. It hurts me. Refusing to use my chosen name and pronoun hurts me. (Using the wrong pronoun/name by accident also hurts, but we all hurt each other through slips of the tongue sometimes).<br />
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Refusing to use the name and pronoun of another person is a form of bullying. It's an enforcement of "this is how it is" on people who are harmed by the current status quo of gender. It is the same as saying "I care more about the way I think than I care about you and your well being." When I hear you say, "I just can't change the way I see or talk about you" what I hear is, "I'd rather see the world the way I always have than consider a trans person's reality." It's bull-headed and inconsiderate, and usually ends up with the refusing person's opinion being seen by society as antiquated. Yes it's hard to change old habits. But that's what we do for the people we love. When they need us to, we change the way we do things.<br />
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All of this leads me into answering the question you probably asked yourself when you began reading the very first paragraph of this letter. Yes, my friend, the things you said/did were transphobic. They didn't feel transphobic to you because it's all theory for you. Your gender makes already sense to you. So my confusing gender must seem like a theory for you to contemplate and entertain at your leisure, a hypothetical you can safely abandon when it conflicts with how you see the world. But it's not theory to me, it's not a choice or an opinion. My gender is confusing 100% of the time. It's an inescapably huge part of my life. I am what I am, which means I can't be what you think I should be, no matter how frustrating that makes your attempts to comprehend the world.<br />
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Also I need you to know that your words hurt me and scare me. But I'm probably going to get over that fear quickly because I know you. I know how tender and generous you are. I know you care about me and probably didn't intend to hurt me. I remember how we bonded over the specific and fascinating details of our shared passions and history. I remember how we grew together. I love you and probably think of you as family.<br />
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In a sense I'm grateful that you've spoken what you believe out in the open and are willing to let others question it and maybe even question it yourself. It gives me hope for my future. It's a concrete set of thoughts and behaviors I can identify as harmful to me. Even if you don't believe me about the pain, your self-aware proclamation of these transphobic words and sentiments could be part of beginning steps to change how you treat and think about trans people. It's an acknowledgement of the conflict between my lived experience and your worldview.<br />
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But even if you aren't changing your mind just yet, I still want your friendship and love. Because I know you see there's more to me than just my (confusing) gender and I know you can learn from me as I have learned so much from you. I may not be able to withstand the thousand cuts of being misgendered forever, but for now I love you enough to endure the discomfort. </div>
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I believe in our relationship and in both our abilities to change. I didn't choose to love you, but I am choosing to find a way to keep loving you in the future. Because our relationship is pretty damn great. I know I've been clumsy about it in the past, but right now, today, in this letter, I want to invite you into the uncertainty of my life, which means witnessing the uncertainty of my gender. It'll be hard for us both, but I want you here, with me. You are irreplaceable. I don't want to lose you when/if the time comes that I can no longer stand the pain of being misgendered.</div>
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With Love, Hope, and the deepest Gratitude,</div>
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Wryly T. McCutchen</div>
Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-2260843143493988902015-03-27T15:46:00.002-07:002015-03-27T19:58:57.252-07:00On Gender Policing in Trans Communities: transitioning is not weakness<i>note: after writing this I realized that I was deeply inspired by and bascially restating a lot of what Julia Serano has to say about </i>Gender Artifactualism<i> in her book </i>Excluded <i><a href="http://juliaserano.blogspot.com/2013/11/what-is-gender-artifactualism.html">here's a crash course in that</a>.</i><br />
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It's very common in transgender and nonbinary communities for folks to applaud each other for choosing not to medically transition or not to wear binders or heels or whatever else. Usually it's just the standard “Good job doing that soul searching.” and “I'm glad you found a choice best reflects you.” This sort of encouragement is wonderful. It's a big part of why trans people (and other marginalized individuals) seek community. It's tough for us as trans folks to find this sort of encouragement in the world at large. And it can feel especially tough for nonbinary trans folks who have ostensibly zero out role models in the greater public eye and must seek validation almost exclusively through community. There is excruciatingly small public awareness about what it means to be transgender and specifically nonbianry.* So the encouragement we give each other is necessary.<br />
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Unfortunately, sometimes the support sought or given becomes politicized in a way that's problematic or even exclusive. When such choices are described with the language like “fight against gendered expectations” it casts those who do choose to undergo more physical and medical changes as somehow “giving in” to society. It can also call into question the identity of the trans individual's nonbinary-ness, implying that there are rules and standards to being nonbinary that exclude folks who take HRT or get gender affirming surgery. Worst of all, it shoves a political value onto trans folks's personal care choices and tells them they are weak, shallow, or backward for adopting particular traits. We're already heavily and mercilessly politicized by the cis world. Can we not politicize each other this way?<br />
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My choice to refrain from chemically or medically altering my body to better express my gender doesn't make me morally superior to trans people that do choose to treat their dysphoria with medical and chemical procedures. Not taking HRT doesn't make me more stalwart than those who do. Not getting surgery doesn't mean I respect my body more. And I'd appreciate it if people (trans and nonbinary included) would stop telling me these actions means more than I say they do.<br />
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For myself and for other trans individuals, I view being transgender as a complex condition of life for which there are medical and non-medical treatments available. Deciding to take HRT and or have gender affirming surgery is no different than deciding to take anti-depressants or getting a mastectomy in the face of highly probable breast cancer. These are serious health choices, ones that aren't usually made in direct reaction to a discrete risk to one's immediate health or well being but made after careful consideration of lived experience and potential outcomes. These are decisions made in hopes of shifting the way someone balances the conditions of their life. It's a complicated self care process.<br />
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Let me break it down for you with a hypothetical:<br />
Say your best friend has bipolar. If she decides to explore life without meds after years on Zyprexa you don't tell her that she's fighting the good fight against society's expectations of sanity and those evil drug companies. You say “that choice must have been a tough one.” and ask her what you can do to help accommodate this change in her life. If it doesn't work out for her and she chooses to go back on meds you wouldn't see her actions as “giving in” to Big Pharma. You don't assume her choice was about your politics or your identity. Because that would make you an egocentric jerk. Instead you recognize that her choice was about her own self care. You'd see it as her choice to manage the conditions of her life (regardless that her choice is different than the ones you make to manage the conditions of your own life).<br />
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The way we <a href="http://marginaldialogue.blogspot.com/2014/07/entitled-to-internal-tangle-how-working.html">sort out and express our needs and desires is unique</a>, part of what makes us individuals. And it should be respected. This is clear to me as a poet and a person with conflicting desires. Sometimes I hate that gender even exists, so yeah, I do sometimes dream about a world without it. But those dreams are mine, they aren't fit to be mapped onto the desires of other trans and nonbinary individuals or groups. My desires for a world without gender are not more politically pure or correct than the desire I to have a huge dick. My occasional desire for a less round body as well as those for a less gendered world do deserve to be expressed, but not at the expense of other's choices for expression and self care. These desires do not deserve to be seen as intrinsically appropriate for other trans and non-binary people. Like any member of a marginalized group, my desires and doubts aren't representative.<br />
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Being skeptical of medical transition steps is currently my personal choice. But it will never be a symbol for my politics. And as much I want to meet people whose experiences mirror my own, I work not to project my personal skepticism of medical transition onto others. Because it's not my business to decide how others best manage their personal and unique experience of being transgender. It's not yours either.<br />
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*In popular culture there's been a fantastic surge in representation of binary trans folks in the last 5-10 years (particularly for trans women). I have a suspicion that some of the exclusionary distancing language used by nonbinary folks comes from the pain of being erased or simply not recognized at all by the limited portrait of transgender lives currently seen in pop culture. I can see refusals to conform to those binary narratives as politically important to the nonbinary community, but I don't think they belongs in the language we use to support each other's self care choice. It certainly shouldn't come at the expense of others. There is not a scarcity of acceptance and recognition. We don't need to steal/win it away from our siblings.Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-20360200620416746542015-02-25T22:44:00.000-08:002015-02-26T00:00:55.546-08:00Some very useful gifsTonight I suddenly realized I haven't posted in almost two months. Rest assured I've been working on a few dynamite posts this month. Unfortunately I have been too busy with grad school to polish them up for posting. So instead of those I've decided to share with you my very favorite Audrey Hepburn gifs. I hope they are useful to you on your journey down the information superhighway.<br />
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<!-- Blogger automated replacement: "https://images-blogger-opensocial.googleusercontent.com/gadgets/proxy?url=http%3A%2F%2F33.media.tumblr.com%2Ff0168394bc7f4774f8dc106131500b66%2Ftumblr_n57ytleHnd1rp4tw6o3_r1_250.gif&container=blogger&gadget=a&rewriteMime=image%2F*" with "https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEg_6bHzz2KfdRyO0GVmRlVE-jspTBsNEod4paisQOkSXD7N48dL1vVokfTk165bmdFyrARMAPzgMLamjjqGnONBnp6S85YQFJUruldQgqPNf9AkBHzS8bZwDl8YvmmN9PtpIP_oG_k2Yzu9nzlyHoOLCvG5qTIPoGVjQCQZtpCAg0x2-H2zAVKRBsEi4Rv7X1d-az5WBUSAjBSuMm9rmJ7oTA=" -->Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-88558189849759679762014-12-31T14:25:00.000-08:002014-12-31T14:25:12.735-08:00Guest Post: On Suicide and the Transfeminine ExpereinceThis is a guest post. One of my very dear friends Elly posted this on her facebook wall yesterday in reaction to the coverage and <a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/read-17yearold-trans-girls-heartbreaking-suicide-note-20141230">tragedy of Leelah Alcorn's suicide</a>. It was too beautiful and full of truth for me not to ask if I could share it. I'm deeply grateful that she agreed to let me post her story. As someone with lived experience as a trans woman and someone who's been consumed by suicidal thoughts she is far more equipped to write about these things than I am. I thank her for her honesty and bravery in sharing this with me and her community.<br />
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[TW: Suicide.]<br />If you need something to make these things more tangible and real to you, then I want to tell you something: Before my transition, I was going to kill myself. Not maybe. There was no real sliver of doubt left in me, although I was being patient. I'd worked out my plan (carefully optimizing for lethality and viability of organ donation) and I'd composed my note in my head. I thought about it nearly non-stop for years on end, refining the details, hungrily imagining the act itself. The instinctual allure of self-annihilation was indescribably intense: I wanted to die like a drowning woman wants to breathe. Sometimes I fantasized about flaying myself alive. Many of you -- some of my oldest friends and acquaintances -- have never seen me in person in any moment in which I wasn't actively wishing I was dead, although I worked as hard as I could to hide it from you: because it wasn't fit for polite conversation, and because I couldn't allow you to try to stop me.</blockquote>
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I started seriously contemplating suicide when I was in seventh grade, and I stopped a little while after I started my transition. I don't know quite when I lost my will to die, or how; one day I just noticed it missing. There was a span of time in which it was so strange and new to actually want to live, I wasn't sure how to deal with it. Now I'm looking back from the far side and it's increasingly difficult for me to empathize with how I know I used to feel. It's an eerie thing to so clearly remember feeling something like that -- to be able to touch every scar I carved into myself down through all those years -- and feel like I only sort of understand. I can't imagine wanting to die anymore. That's why I can tell you all of this.</blockquote>
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I was essentially suicidal for fully half my life, and I never even had to worry about most of the things Leelah Alcorn had hanging over her. I never had to deal with the violent condemnation of parents or church. By comparison to her, I consider myself quite weak: I would have died surrounded by would-be allies, having admitted nothing to anyone, done in by nothing much more than my own internalization of the ambient transphobia of this culture. All the Ace Venturas and Crying Games.</blockquote>
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I want so badly to live now. I relish every breath I take with a kind of euphoric desperation that I can't describe any better than I can my lost death wishes, and I can't fathom that anything will ever change that now. Still, I'd trade my life in a second for a chance to speak to all the Leelah Alcorns of this world before they leave it: to say, you're not as alone as I know you feel. To tell them: holy shit do I ever worry that I'm always going to look like some kind of ugly-ass man in drag, but I've also lived to figure out that there are much worse ways to be -- and you were beautiful anyway. To say I've felt enough varieties of loneliness now to know that none of them are quite as sharp as being in the love and intimacy of someone who still only sees the facade you've constructed for them. I don't know if my words would make any difference.</blockquote>
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There are so many ways in which 2014 was a staggering breakthrough year for transgender equality, but it wasn't nearly good enough. 2015 needs to be better. Every year needs to be better than the last, until there are no more stories like Leelah's. Until the world looks back and knows it can't even rightly imagine what it was like for us.</blockquote>
Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-4146212950039684262014-12-30T20:28:00.002-08:002014-12-30T21:11:22.306-08:00No More Transphobic Hand Wringing<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 32px;">A friend dropp</span><span style="line-height: 32px;">ed this article </span><a href="http://hotair.com/archives/2014/12/28/angelina-jolies-daughter-is-gender-assigned-at/" style="line-height: 32px;">this article</a><span style="line-height: 32px;"> onto my facebook wall this afternoon, and while it came with a bit of a disclaimer from the person who posted it, I clicked right on through. I was interested because what little I've skimmed about Bad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's oldest biological child has </span><a href="http://www.advocate.com/arts-entertainment/2014/12/20/brad-pitt-and-angelina-jolie-support-their-kid-wearing-suits" style="line-height: 32px;">excited my gender politics</a><span style="line-height: 32px;">. Also it's exciting to see a famous (tiny) transmasculine person. But my oh my, was I ever disappointed by what I clicked into.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My skin first began to prickle when this Jazz Shaw character put quotation marks around the words "identifies as male" and "gender assigned". The quotation marks display the fact that this writer is either being sarcastic or clearly does not want their* readers to believe they think John (or anyone) identifying as such is legit. But then my skin went into full on curdle at the predictable repulsive gem "politically correct". The only people who use that term seriously do so in effort to deride others for being considerate to other humans and as a means to dissuade others from seeking ways to reduce the harm they do with their language/actions. Seriously, whenever I hear/read those words I automatically assume this author is going to be an oppressive asshole to someone and has chosen this moment to refuse to apologize for it in advance.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So yeah, this writer has a serious problem, and NO it's not the problem they refer to at the end of their article. Which I guess is the problem of confusing our children with the complexities of gender or something? “<span style="color: black;">children around the world are looking at [John] and thinking, “I wonder if that’s who I am too?” This is not a solution. It’s a problem.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">UGH! Just NO. No. No.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By Shaw's decree all parents should be saving their children from the dangerous corruption of anything outside <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cisgender">cisgender and cissexual</a> experiences. This is troubling in 3 very distinct ways:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. It is deeply transphobic. It assumes that there is something bad or damaging not just about being trans, but also that just knowing that gender and sex can mean more than just man/woman and male/female is somehow harmful. (hey almost like how some idiots used to think all gay men are pedophiles huh?)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. It disrespects the agency of one child in particular and all children in general. Assuming that a child doesn't know what they need and that the adults know better. Just because it is a child's decision to look, act, or speak in a particular doesn't mean that that decision is less valid or real. Which leads me nicely into</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. It's hurtful to non-binary people like me who DO go through radical changes in our desires to express our genders. It tells anyone with a gender that is too complex to fit into a tidy spot on a narrow spectrum all of the fucking time that our experiences are too confusing, and inappropriate for children. It erases us. It calls us obscene.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was particularly pained by Shaw's mournful cry of "What is to become of this little girl". And their trying to explain away young Pitt-Jolie's behavior as temporary. As if temporary-ness of someone's explicitly stated expression or identity is reason enough to ignore and invalidate them. My family members pull this shit with me sometimes. And when they mourn my decision to not have children and the beauty I coulda been or whatever and it hurts in a way that sticks with me. It's just a change dammit not a fucking funeral. Seriously, people respect it when names are changed for marriage, even though about half of those things end up being pretty temporary.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't mind the above being faulted as unnecessarily venomous. I can risk being called that today because this morning my twitter stream was filled with necessary discomfort of confronting suicide within the trans community. Specifically <a href="http://www.autostraddle.com/17-year-old-trans-girl-leelah-alcorn-commits-suicide-after-parents-and-community-refuse-to-accept-her-271070/">the suicide of transgender youth</a>. It's why I found Shaw's disrespectful article so particularly revolting. Because it espouses the exact attitudes that prevent adults from providing trans kids with access to life saving resources.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No. Not on a day like today**. I just can't let a thing like that stand. No more transphobic hand wringing. I've had enough.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PS:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now that I've verily skewered Shaw, <span style="line-height: 200%;">I do want
to say that there's one </span>point on which we probably agree (but for differing reasons). And this is a hard thing for me to fess up to because boy do I ever want me an adorable transmasculine spokesperson who goes by the pronouns I prefer, but dammit, John is 8 years old. They're not an actor or someone who's chosen public life. Their gender or gender expression should not be something we're morbidly interested in. But we are, because part of celebrity culture is about obsessing over and criticizing the family and parenting decisions of famous people. Which is weird and creepy. Let's not do that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 32px;">*I very intentionally chose to refer to Jazz Shaw by "they/them/theirs" in this article. Yes, I neglected to the research Shaw's preferred pronoun. In this case alone I'm proud to return the misgendering fire. For John, my dapper little sibling in arms.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">**Today is only special because I am hearing about the loss of one of my trans siblings. These losses happen all the time. On Transgender Day of Remembrance, we read a list naming the people we've lost to violence and suicide. These lists are so long that you can't make it to through them without ending up numb, checked out, or chocked up, with your face in your hands. All slippery hot from the accumulation of ache and fury.</span></div>
Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-48176965117376402892014-10-31T10:26:00.001-07:002014-10-31T10:26:16.531-07:00Final Impossible postThis is my final October transmission. The last communiqué in the impossible blogging project.<br />
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I feel proud and very rushed. Like I wish I had a drawn out perspective on the foolish accomplishment of all this. But the truth is, I am very bad at viewing my own accomplishments with any sort of objectivity. Most humans are. I feel no relief yet (as of writing this).<br />
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I do feel excited to see people's costumes and to be getting back another hour or so of each of my days. I am excited to be back in a city where my heart feels so wet and welcome.<br />
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I know a lot of people are going into nanowrimo tomorrow. And I sort of wish I could be joining y'all and writing up a book about a werewhale who lives in the San Juans, but I need to get on with other things. My schcool work has been woefully neglected lately and I am itching to spend more time on it.<br />
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I realize I talk a lot about fear in this arena. And I confess I use this blog sometimes as a method o categorizing my fears. But right now I am having fears about stuff I can't yet share publicly.<br />
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I also realize I use blogging as a way to probe and affirm my own uncertainty. I know at the very least that it makes me better at blogging every time.<br />
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And I want to say something pithy, something inspirational, that wraps up all the work I have done in the last thirty days, but the truth it that shit don't come when it's supposed to. So stay tuned for a post in the future, that tell you all more about what it's like to blog for 30 days straight. My words will be seeing you soon!<br />
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It's been a blast. Thank you.<br />
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Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-12814275677649386082014-10-30T22:40:00.001-07:002015-05-12T14:38:31.602-07:00Rant about fame, micro-aggressions, and responses to themThis afternoon a good friend of mine, with whom I often talk politics and rhetoric, posted this to FB<br />
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Liberals be like:<br />
"We must discount everything this person has ever said or ever will say because this one time, out of context, s/he said something that may have offended one of our Saintly Groups! (i.e. gays, trans folk, disabled, and nonwhite people)"<br />
All. The. Time.</blockquote>
The comments section ended up being a rigorous run down of the way tumblr activist have "gone after" celebrities like Dan Savage, Laci Green, and Bill Mahr for saying/doing offensive things.<br />
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Firstly I need to state that I personally I love pieces of art/media made by people who hold politics or have done things that I find gratingly reprehensible. I love the show Community but like many I find Dan Harmon's behavior deeply troubling. I love Wes Anderson films and basically every project Tilda Swinton is associated with but both signed a petition supporting the release of Roman Polanski.<br />
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I do this by reminding myself that these people aren't their creations. Dan Savage is not the Savage Love. Laci Green is not Sex Plus. X celeb is not (just) their words, behaviors, and projects. This mantra helps me ease the cognitive dissonance I have surrounding my affinity for things crated by people I don't like. Now this practice isn't for everyone. Not every wants to or should be able to ease their contradiction in politics like this. I think it's okay to not subscribe to this way of thinking.<br />
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I don't see the mistakes in speech or rhetorical missteps people like Dan Savage and Laci Green as harmless. Regardless of their intent to do no harm or whether or not it was done to promote another "good" cause. And especially as those who are in the public eye and known for specifically for their progressive or inclusive projects. I see these missteps as <a href="http://www.microaggressions.com/">micro-aggressions</a>. Micro-aggressions signal many minority individuals (even those not under the purview of the offensive word/comment/approach) that this person will mock and potentially ostracize those that divergence from the "norm" (where "norm" is what the celeb considers normal).<br />
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When I see an educator or artist make a casual and probably unintentional slur, it cues me to suspend my trust and I begin to worry that this person's work may not be safe to share with some of the people I care about. It makes my hackles go up and I am angry for either myself (if the slur is against me) or on behalf of my siblings who are systematically ostracized by the rhetoric echoing in the mouth of said famous people.<br />
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These echoed slurs take them off my recommended list. I can't say that this social impulse is an entirely logical one, but it is very real. I feel it viscerally giving me hesitation when I consider recommending a celeb's content to someone else. Even if the content does not contain anything I found offensive, witnessing the unintentional harm they can cause, I worry that my privilege blinds me to other harmful sentiments and implications that might be a part of their work.<br />
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<a href="http://marginaldialogue.blogspot.com/2014/05/compromises-public-eye-and-political.html">As I have written before</a>, it's important to allow those in the public eye to be fallible. They aren't gods. And people end up seeing much more of their lives than most anyone would be comfortable sharing. And we all say, think, and echo busted oppressive shit from time to time. It's easy to do because it's in the stage directions of the script society has set down for us. That said, their words and actions do have significant cultural impact. Much more significant than most self-described critics on tumblr will probably ever have. And with great power comes great responsibility. Ideally everyone famous out there would watch this video:<br />
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Sadly this template is rarely followed. For so many reasons. But mostly because our culture doesn't allow celebrities to make mistakes (especially is they aren't white, cis men) so they feel hesitant to show themselves as having made one. They fear losing the social power and status that their fame gives them.<br />
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And that brings me to my next point. I, and these other "tumblr activists" can't ostracize famous people (if the them you are speaking about is either Dan Savage and/or Laci Green). Famous people, by virtue of their celebrity have substantially more social powers and receive more social recognition than I or any other of those tumblr activists do. Yes they can bully and they can say hateful, hurtful things, but celebrity buys you distance from your critics. And I don't deny that when I critique a celebrity that my own personal frustration about this imbalance of cultural attention comes through and as consequence makes me extra acerbic.<br />
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To me, though, saying the tumblr social justice police are ostracizing Dan Savage or Laci Green is tantamount to crying "reverse racism". The power and privilege imbalance at play make it impossible for well supported progressive celebs to be "ostracized" by a small minority of folks who have a comparatively small audience.<br />
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I'm not saying that the "burn-it-to-the-ground" approach is called for, because it's usually not. I am saying that whatever impact the "tumblr police" have is significantly less than the impacts of the celebrities they are critiquing. Think of them as trolls if you like. Progressive trolls. They are as effective as other kinds of trolls, only a vaguely annoying/menacing aggregate.<br />
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And perhaps the level of the ire with which these celebrity's and their projects are targeted aren't just about the person themselves, or even their body of work. It might just be an inarticulate strike against the frustratingly unfair and often oppressive mechanisms that push some people into fame and notoriety and others into obscurity.<br />
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Also I have a limited amount of fucks to give about issues. And tend to shy away from handing them over to folks who are already appear to have a decent supply of social support and recognition from their chosen communities. I'm not saying they don't deserve my empathy, just that they don't appear to be in dire need of it. I honestly don't care if Dan Savage', or Laci Green', or Bill Mahr's images are damaged. They have public attention to spare.<br />
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Let's stop making heroes, because they will fuck up. And probably they won't apologize for it. Because heroes don't usually do that.Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-76736824331167777312014-10-29T20:38:00.008-07:002014-10-29T20:40:46.117-07:00I have a crush on David Rees and so will you (if you watch Going Deep)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My partner and I just finished the last available episode of Going Deep with David Rees. A show I've come to love for its earnest enthusiasm for strange bits of knowledge about everyday rituals. To me, it functions like good poetry should. It goes both macro and micro on a quests to find how things are done and grasp for meaning surrounding life's every day activities. It makes us sit with what we as humans so often shrug off simply with cliched euphemism and inattention.<br />
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The show itself is a simple 30 minute set-up. First David, in his goofy big-eyed excitement explains what we're going deep about today and why it interests him in particular. Over the next 20 minutes the audience gets to sit shotgun on David's field trips and guest appearances to talk with the experts. The experts range in many different fields an are based on the adorably non-scientific understandings David already has about the topic. After each guest or field trip David tallies up what we have learned so far and at the end of the show this list culminates into a final display of David's new and improved method of doing a simple task.<br />
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His facial expressions and bodily gesticulations really sell the action of the show and give the viewer their own sense of wonder about what is really being witnessed. In many episodes David goes through what appears to be a significant transformation. This is wonderful to watch and gives the episodes a nice twist.<br />
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I think I feel especially kindred to David because he's a very loud socially awkward person (like me). He gets all jazzed and hooty about exciting things but doesn't feel particularly comfortable with the implications of sharing that excitement with others (as is shown clearly in the episode on how to dig a hole). He is a ridiculous man. Which I love and can't get enough of.<br />
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Also his demos are silly as fuck. This show it fun. It's like a kids show for adults, but without all the schmaltzy kid stuff in it. If you have ever felt like you've failed at being a human, or that you just don't know how to human like everyone else, you will love this show. Though it may just make you want to buy parachute cord for your shoes.<br />
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I recommend starting with either How to Dig a Hole or How to Swat a Fly.Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-34209313360715842302014-10-28T11:43:00.003-07:002014-10-28T11:43:49.516-07:00Drafty Annotation of O'Hara's Meditations in an EmergencyThese poems in <i>Meditation in an Emergency </i>are of a time, location, and context. And by "of a time" I also mean of the moment. Each poem seems an unattached snapshot; a stream of consciouness portrayal of the way reality and thought/feeling permeate one another. This encapsulation gives the poems power and focus but it also requires the reader to strive to join the narrators of these poems in a context that may be forgien to them. For example, I'm a west coast poet without much experience or expertise in the visual art or music disciplines. O'Hara leans heavily on these disciplines as inspiration and illustration. So I had to accept that the peices of mucis or art he referred to were powerful. This gave the poems less of an impact for me and makes me suspect this book was not written with a very wide audience in mind.<br />
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That said, there are very interesting lines drawn here between what was then thought of as "high art" and "low art". O'Hara praises the comonplace in the same stanza as the cutlurally prized. He even has an entire poem about the movies, and in another bemoans the slow death of the ballet.<br />
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I'm impressed with the variety of forms put forth by O'Hara. It's and interesting sampling of beat influence. Some pieces are one single block of stanza (<i>Chez Jane</i>) while others have a clear cut stanza set up and line distribution (<i>Jane Awake</i>). The form choices make subtle impacts on the reader and wish I knew more about how he made arrangement choices.<br />
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In my opinion he is at his best in the mixed prose/poetry format in the title poem Meditations in and Emergency. There of a beautiful mix here of strange imagery and declaration. It's a deeply quotable piece with bits like "It is more important to affirm the least sincere" and "It is easy to be beautiful; it is difficult to appear so." It's also the only piece here that makes direct reference to O'Hara's homosexuality. I belive it is hinted at in <i>Poem</i> (p.60 ) with the metaphor of foreigness as a possible stand in for the, at the time unspeakable, sex acts traded between men. I wanted to like this poem but the racism of this poem makes it offensive and staunchly sets its voice in a time and perspective that dehumanizes others by using their "exoticism" to the wrier's benefit. This is unfortunate and off-putting since there is such an enticing tenderness and truth to this poem.<br />
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I consider <i>For Grace, After a Party</i> a more successful, less offensive, and well-rounded portrayal of an interaction between lovers. One that, minus the name in the title, goes completely without gender signifiers of either the lover or the other characters. The narrator speaks of the strange pleasure and crooked ache of attending a party along with someone you long for. And it kicks in the end like a haiku with reality pushing things back into old patterns.<br />
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As a reader I often had trouble grasping what the point of each poem was. And while some of the poems (like <i>For Grace, After a Party</i>) benefit form this ambiguity, much of the time I found it frustraitng and confusing. The strange and vivid images were enough to push me through the poems with a lovely hunger, but I rarely felt "full" at the end of them.<br />
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I remember taking Blas Falconer's workshop on finishing a poem at Antioch. He used his own "perfectly well written" poem with one very piercing line as an example of an unfinished poem that needed to be fueled from the depth that one line came from. O'Hara has many piercing lines but I don't know if all his poems are "finshed" in this way. This contribute to the snapshot-esque feel of this book and I think also why so many of the details seem to have aged poorly since the book came out in 1957.Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-52168887068857153602014-10-27T09:56:00.002-07:002014-10-27T09:56:11.451-07:00Today's post brought by listening to Abba at 9amI love dancing.<br />
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I had the great fortune of going dancing with a new/old friend on friday night at White Horse. I danced so hard the inside of my jeans ended up wet with leg and back-of-the-knees sweat and my hair got slicked down wet from it's regular poofy stance.<br />
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The advice "dance like nobody's watching" has never been relevant to me. In fact it really doesn't apply at all. When I dance I always imagine everyone is watching and everyone is entertained and slightly light aroused by the coolness of my moves.<br />
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There is no other place I feel more comfortable taking up so much space (minus when I am reading poetry on stage). When I dance I prance around. My feet move much more than most of the other people on the dance floor. I think sometimes I scare them and I don't care. One time I tried to keep my feet stationary on a dance floor and failed. Music makes my feet allergic to stillness.<br />
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I have always been bad at the whole bump and grind. Sure I can handle partnered dancing, but that is not my MO. My dancing is much more self centered. I love just letting my body chase the melody and syncopation with movement. My conscious is not in the drivers seat when I am dancing. It's a big beautiful feeling. I know that dancing is not the thing that sets most people free or that everyone finds even enjoyable. But I do. There is noting I want to do more when I hear music my body recognizes.Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-40293506357971913212014-10-26T20:21:00.000-07:002014-10-26T20:30:30.736-07:00Jellyfish and other shapshifters<br />
So I think a lot about sea creatures. I love how in the ocean there is such a wealth of living proof that the distinctions we humans have made for things are not as well fitting as we like to think.<br />
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The creatures that live there often straddle the lines of what we would commonly think of as the distinction between plant and animal. For instance, I used to think anemones were plants! And there is an entire lake full of jellyfish that <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jellyfish_Lake#Jellyfish_species">survive on the photosynthesis</a> of algae inside their bodies (this is also how a bunch of corals get their fuel too)!<br />
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But one of the things that amazes me the most is the life cycle of the jellyfish. (More like jellyshift if you ask me!)<br />
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More basal marine animals like barnacles and jellyfish take many forms throughout their life cycles. Though these organisms go through similar stages (both stick themselves onto other objects/surfaces in a stage known as sessile), they go through stages so differently.<br />
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The barnacle rhizocephala is particularly strange and fascinating. (and also potentially scary if you have an aversion to parasites so be warned!)<br />
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Weirdest shit ever am I right?<br />
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Some polyps (one of the stages in a jellyfish's life) actually have the amazing ability to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cnidaria#Regeneration">reconstruct themselves</a> and re-begin the progress toward strobilation and into more adult stages. For me such creatures have been objects of study, fascination, and respect. I revere their ability to change in ways that blow my mind. I often lean on them as the perfect metaphors for personal transformation.<br />
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I love how weird things get out there there in the blue. And oh yeah <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turritopsis_nutricula">this jellyfish</a> can <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kLSiE-eNjw">live forever</a> apparently.<br />
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PS If any of my car-having friends in the Bay Area ever wants to take a day trip with me down to the Monterey Bay Aquarium I would be beside myself with joy.Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-39529603721303268322014-10-25T18:12:00.000-07:002014-10-25T18:13:48.913-07:00Etymology is not destiny. A short rant.Sometimes when I try to engage in discussions with people who disagree with me on the internet. And sometimes when I do this the person I'm speaking with will drag up dictionary definitions and the etymological lineage of a particular term I am either using or that we are discussing.<br />
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Now, as a writer and poet, I have a deep love and vested interest in etymology. It can provide wonderful context and a rich sense of history to a word or discussion about that word. But as a word nerd who holds etymology very dear to their heart I resent it being used as evidence in a disagreement. It's a cheap and inappropriate ploy. Here's why.<br />
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Calls to etymology are a distrustful derailment technique. They deny the way the other party uses words and assert the authority of past uses of those/that word/s. It's basically a pedantic version of sticking one's fingers in one's ears and singing "la la la. I'm not listening."<br />
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But let's take it further. The implication here is deeply unfortunate. Someone who makes this call to the authority of etymology is not only refusing to listen to the way the other person's using words, but they are making a stand for meanings and concepts to never change. That's right folks, this use of etymology implies that the speaker/writer supports continuing the use of out of date meanings for in modern contexts. This is one of the mechanisms by which oppressive the verbal tics of history get carried over.<br />
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Beyond that, it's just unrealistic and comically Sisyphean to cling to origins and historical meanings and ways of doing things. Yes, there's much value in using them as starting points for how to communicate and live our lives. But we will always need to find new ways to communicate. The context of the worlds we live in shift and along with it so should they ways we use our words and tools.Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-37779925743474269152014-10-24T17:15:00.004-07:002014-10-24T17:15:53.148-07:00Rage Rant (all I have time for before my haircut)Sometimes I rage for no reason at all (or at least for no reason I can immediately discern). Right now is one of those times. The minuscule shortfalls of life feel like personal vindictive misfortunes laid out by a vengeful god. It's a good thing I don't believe in god because my anger would make me a very poor believer.<br />
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Acceptance of anything feels just out of my reach and all my joints are swollen with anxious fluids. My ankles feel just about ready to pop. And fuck, today was a good day at work. This collapse into seething is sudden and vicious and I am beginning to feel guilty about even feelings this way. I hate myself for letting it get this far. Blaming this body and its shortcomings has always been the easiest course of action to manage. I hate my hands for being dry and my fingertips for bleeding.<br />
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I've started to envy the people on tv who always have a reason when some awful feeling crawls inside their body. I wish there was always an answer beneath every outburst I feel might come spilling out of me. I just feel angry. There is no reason to it at all.<br />
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I can never observe myself with an anger like this. I can only be with that anger. There is not room for noticing what kind of person I am. And as much as I have fantasized about releasing the pain of self-consciousness I am scared of what not noticing myself might cause.<br />
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Even now after I have escaped the suffocation of my work environment, have scuttled away to the safety of a cafe and am sitting somewhat comfortably I still feel like my heart might be a volcano and that my dry hands could smash clean through a forty piece china set. I want to punch every motorist in the balls because one car came too close on the way over here. I want to give up entirely on the belief that good exists in anyone.<br />
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Again I blame myself for the venom. I think "I shouldn't have had so much diet soda" or "I should have drank more water" and I sometimes I just get exhausted thinking about how to attend to all the implications of the concept known as "self care".Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-23945915077305016902014-10-23T07:35:00.000-07:002014-10-23T07:35:20.182-07:00Some thoughts about discrimination and biasPublic attention is a privilege. Babies, trolls, grifters and misbehaving dogs know this and are unashamed of doing anything they can to wrench themselves into being noticed. Discrimination is rarely so bald faced as is depicted in the media or in anti-harassment policies. Similar to micro aggressions this slew of semi-conscious choices about who we listen to and why ads up over time and eventually becomes the cultural force known as fame and public opinion.<br />
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The problem here is that the slate is never clean for any of us. Before you even think about speaking the people you speak with have already made years of those semi-conscious choices about people who, while not you, were something like you or associated with issues that are central to what you want to state publicly. Many people have to re-teach or convince others to unlearn what they have already learned just in order to be given the privilege of being heard.<br />
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As I have written on before, being heard is a privilege and <a href="http://marginaldialogue.blogspot.com/2012/11/nobody-is-entitled-to-your-listneing.html">listening to someone is a gift</a>. When people talk about social capital this is part of what they are talking about. It's much more complicated than "like" or "dislike". It's about trust and the people opening their listening to someone.<br />
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I know a lot of people that speak think and write critically about capitalism. And I wonder if this is something that they think about, because listening and public attention are also a life resource. One that many people need to be realized as fully human. for instance if I didn't have friends or a therapist to listen to me and give my space to explore my ideas then I'd have developed in a very different way as a person.<br />
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Humans are social animals we seek validation and community. What we rarely acknowledge is the fact that some people have more easy access to this resource than others. It's tips its hand into obviousness when we see the stats about high conviction rates for black and latin@ folks in criminal court (because their word is less trusted). And in moments when the reaction to a rape or harassment accusation is to defend the perpetrator.<br />
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Now I'm not trying to offer folks who do this a free pass on racism or rape apology (cause they don't get one from me). But I am interested why they chose to trust one party over the other. And again, it's not about the likability of any of the parties involved or the activities described, it's about being lulled into making the same choices you have in the past because and following those semi conscious choices. It's about trying to map this experience they are hearing about onto a familiar neural pathway of trusting people who are or look like those thy have trusted in the past and distrusting the people who are or look like those they have distrusted in the past.<br />
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I don't understand everything about discrimination, but this is one of the mechanics I see at work within it.Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-24186750764252423432014-10-22T09:46:00.002-07:002014-10-22T09:50:45.446-07:00The Fosters will melt your heart! (a review)Last month my partner and I started watch <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fosters_(2013_TV_series)">The Fosters</a> on netflix.<br />
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It has some problematic elements (like siding with the cops, sappy lingering on teenage romance, and comically flat portrayals of poverty/non-middle-class people) but if you're a sucker for Very Special Episodes then you should definitely watch this show. Every episode is very special. Just like all seven of the principle characters. The Fosters addresses many real life issues that other light hearted family shows are unwilling to associate themselves with.<br />
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I was particularly impressed with this show's portrayal of rape and the social aftermath and personal trauma that it causes. I've also been impressed with the way that it portrays the subtlety with which most bullying and exclusion happens. While it is still made more obvious for the show, its presentation is more subtle than I have seen before. It's much closer to the realities of discrimination.<br />
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All that said, it's an incredibly schmaltzy show that knows how to stick its tear-jerking claws into your heart strings. The writers are masters at making you think the worst is coming and then softening the dramatic blow so you feel sweet sweet relief (in fact I suspect one of the cliffhangers of the most recent midseason finale will pan out this way). The turn of events can also surprise with very dramatic stuff that seems to come out of nowhere and hit you in the guts.<br />
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Just based on the amount of principal characters and the vast array of diverse and subversive topics it covers, The Fosters could have been an awful mess of cute faces and progressive Hallmark moments. Diversity Soup if you will. And I'm not gonna lie, it feels a bit like that in the beginning. But by the 5th episode you are fully in love with every character and you physically twitch when they make the wrong choice for loving reasons. Which is basically what drives the plot of this show.<br />
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You watch it for the characters. Because you love them, pretend they are your friends, and want them to be happy. The characters and their motivations all ring pretty true and the actors work exceptionally well together. The way they avoid, sublimate, and misread their stresses and anxieties is painfully realistic. Some of the "drama" of the show is definitely played up in a way that is unrealistic, but that's not really what you watch the show for right?<br />
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Also for a show that centers around a lesbian couple and their family, we see a whole lot more of the teens doing sex things than we do the moms. I think that what The Fosters need the most is more sexy lesbian mom sex. This is my biggest critique of the show. Not enough gay sex.<br />
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I guess my point here is, if you liked watching Boy Meets world and My So-Called Life and if you get tired of every LGBTQ show out there being "gritty" and "edgy" then this is the show for you. It doesn't turn away from tougher issues but still leaves you feeling good about the world. Enjoy!<br />
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PS: I tried to keep spoilers to a minimum in this review but if you want to read more about the show and don't mind spoilers <a href="http://www.autostraddle.com/okay-wow-lets-process-the-fosters-right-now-251360/">Autostraddle</a> has some <a href="http://www.autostraddle.com/tag/the-fosters/">amazing posts</a> about it.Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-90955958080101470692014-10-21T17:56:00.000-07:002014-10-21T17:58:28.336-07:00We need diverse books<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Despite the fact that the main branch of the Oakland library is smaller than the main branch of the Seattle Library I found the gender and sexuality section to be surprisingly comprehensive. Of all the reading I've been doing about gender for the last 8 months 1/3 of those books have come from the library. I am endlessly grateful for the resources OPL provides and for the fact that they want to hear from the community as to why diversity matters to them.</div>
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I did a lot of writing for school today. And I hope this photo suffices as a daily post. Thank you.</div>
<br />Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4208425805236379950.post-88774496099962440892014-10-20T20:49:00.001-07:002015-05-12T15:03:15.216-07:00Hard Rituals. In which I resolve to keep my gender's yellow safety on.My partner and I moved to Oakland from Seattle in January. And having cycled in both cities I have to say that it often seems like nobody in Oakland wears a helmet when they're riding their bike*. Now I totally see the appeal in that. I see cyclists wearing funky hats and rocking kick ass hairdos. And I kind of envy their freedom. Especially since (when properly trimmed) I like to coax my own hair into a something between a pompadour and a mohawk:<br />
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This hairstyle really can't survive being stuffed into a helmet. Despite how awesome it would be to ride around looking fly and feel the wind move through my bouffant, I don't feel safe when riding without my helmet. I'd get the chance to <i>look</i> more like me if I stopped wearing one. But I think I would stop acting like myself if I decided to stop wearing it. </div>
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Wearing a helmet is part of my politics and process as a cyclist. It shows that I believe in prevention and preparedness when it comes to taking risks associated with moving through a world made for cars on something that is distinctly not a car. It's bright yellow dome is an advertisement about my concern for my own safety and my awareness of the risk I am taking on. It shows that I know how to take care of me.</div>
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Last night my partner and I had one of our first serious talks about the possibility of me taking testosterone (inspired by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fosters_(2013_TV_series)">our new favorite TV show</a>). When he asked me how I felt I took a long time and gave my answer as an incomplete list of feels (<a href="http://marginaldialogue.blogspot.com/2013/11/on-anxiety-and-organization-make-list.html">lists help me cope</a>):</div>
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Complicated</div>
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Attracted</div>
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Conflicted</div>
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Frustrated</div>
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Ashamed</div>
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Scared</div>
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Complicated was a segue into everything else. But let's address the fear first. I fear medical procedures of any kind. I fear that my sensitivity to most medications and chemicals would make introducing testosterone into my system a change too enormous for my psyche to handle. I fear I will lose that very sensitivity. It can be a burden sometimes but I cherish it deeply. I fear losing the ability to cry. I fear that taking testosterone will make my masculinity (more) hostile, that it will turn me into a Bad Guy. I fear losing my ease of empathy. (this list goes on and on)</div>
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But the changes T would likely evoke in me are also attractive in many ways. I'd like a higher muscle to fat ratio. I want to be able to grow (more and darker) facial hair. I want to not have to hide curves to get the look I want when wearing mens clothes. It'd be a relief not to feel I have to "put on" any clothes or behaviors to be seen for who I am.</div>
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This is where the frustration, conflict, and eventually shame come into play. Granted I think I'd look good with many of the characteristics T would bring out. But I also feel angry and disappointed in myself for being attracted to/seduced by that. Because I like the way my body looks now. And I see the masculine in it. So do many of the people close to me. I love my body for the way it is now. I don't want to give it up. It kind of feels like I'd be abandoning a part of myself I am comfortable with, just to satisfy what I feel are the false standards of masculinity.** My demanding others see the masculinity in my big breasted, wide-hipped, and sweet-faced casing subverts these standards. It challenges convention by requiring those who associate with me to rethink what they learned about gender and body.</div>
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The ugly and common underside of this is that my demands are often rebuffed. People (even those I love and who love me) will refuse to recognize me by willfully ignoring my pronoun preference. And when I try to explain myself or my gender I'm sometimes blamed for the confusion and subsequent discomfort of others. If all that sounds tiring that's because it is. It's a lot of work. </div>
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But for now the set of demands my identity requires is an honor and a privileged I'm willing to pay for. Making these demands is a ritual I give my energy to every day.*** Just like the practice of securing the straps of my helmet under my chin, it's tiresome and restrictive. It keeps me from appearing to others in exactly the way I'd like, but for the most part the security it grants me, and the hard message it sends, are currently necessary to my being.</div>
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*In California the law only requires that those under 18 wear a helmet. While there isn't a state law regarding helmets in Washington state, King County law requires all riders to wear one.</div>
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** This is absolutely my personal perspective on my own transition process and is in no way fit to apply to or reflect the transition or rationale of other trans people.</div>
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*** I'm no martyr. I know that I may not be able to "pay" this price of my energy forever and that a transition into a gender role society will readily accept may be in my future. I just want to fight while I feel I can.</div>
Wryly Tenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15279704554557566966noreply@blogger.com2