No More Transphobic Hand Wringing

A friend dropped this article this article onto my facebook wall this afternoon, and while it came with a bit of a disclaimer from the person who posted it, I clicked right on through. I was interested because what little I've skimmed about Bad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's oldest biological child has excited my gender politics. Also it's exciting to see a famous (tiny) transmasculine person. But my oh my, was I ever disappointed by what I clicked into.

My skin first began to prickle when this Jazz Shaw character put quotation marks around the words "identifies as male" and "gender assigned". The quotation marks display the fact that this writer is either being sarcastic or clearly does not want their* readers to believe they think John (or anyone) identifying as such is legit. But then my skin went into full on curdle at the predictable repulsive gem "politically correct". The only people who use that term seriously do so in effort to deride others for being considerate to other humans and as a means to dissuade others from seeking ways to reduce the harm they do with their language/actions. Seriously, whenever I hear/read those words I automatically assume this author is going to be an oppressive asshole to someone and has chosen this moment to refuse to apologize for it in advance.

So yeah, this writer has a serious problem, and NO it's not the problem they refer to at the end of their article. Which I guess is the problem of confusing our children with the complexities of gender or something? “children around the world are looking at [John] and thinking, “I wonder if that’s who I am too?” This is not a solution. It’s a problem.”

UGH! Just NO. No. No.

By Shaw's decree all parents should be saving their children from the dangerous corruption of anything outside cisgender and cissexual experiences. This is troubling in 3 very distinct ways:

1. It is deeply transphobic. It assumes that there is something bad or damaging not just about being trans, but also that just knowing that gender and sex can mean more than just man/woman and male/female is somehow harmful. (hey almost like how some idiots used to think all gay men are pedophiles huh?)

2. It disrespects the agency of one child in particular and all children in general. Assuming that a child doesn't know what they need and that the adults know better. Just because it is a child's decision to look, act, or speak in a particular doesn't mean that that decision is less valid or real. Which leads me nicely into

3. It's hurtful to non-binary people like me who DO go through radical changes in our desires to express our genders. It tells anyone with a gender that is too complex to fit into a tidy spot on a narrow spectrum all of the fucking time that our experiences are too confusing, and inappropriate for children. It erases us. It calls us obscene.

I was particularly pained by Shaw's mournful cry of "What is to become of this little girl". And their trying to explain away young Pitt-Jolie's behavior as temporary. As if temporary-ness of someone's explicitly stated expression or identity is reason enough to ignore and invalidate them. My family members pull this shit with me sometimes. And when they mourn my decision to not have children and the beauty I coulda been or whatever and it hurts in a way that sticks with me. It's just a change dammit not a fucking funeral. Seriously, people respect it when names are changed for marriage, even though about half of those things end up being pretty temporary.

I don't mind the above being faulted as unnecessarily venomous. I can risk being called that today because this morning my twitter stream was filled with necessary discomfort of confronting suicide within the trans community. Specifically the suicide of transgender youth. It's why I found Shaw's disrespectful article so particularly revolting. Because it espouses the exact attitudes that prevent adults from providing trans kids with access to life saving resources.

No. Not on a day like today**. I just can't let a thing like that stand. No more transphobic hand wringing. I've had enough.

PS:

Now that I've verily skewered Shaw,  I do want to say that there's one point on which we probably agree (but for differing reasons). And this is a hard thing for me to fess up to because boy do I ever want me an adorable transmasculine spokesperson who goes by the pronouns I prefer, but dammit, John is 8 years old. They're not an actor or someone who's chosen public life. Their gender or gender expression should not be something we're morbidly interested in. But we are, because part of celebrity culture is about obsessing over and criticizing the family and parenting decisions of famous people. Which is weird and creepy. Let's not do that.

*I very intentionally chose to refer to Jazz Shaw by "they/them/theirs" in this article. Yes, I neglected to the research Shaw's preferred pronoun. In this case alone I'm proud to return the misgendering fire. For John, my dapper little sibling in arms.

**Today is only special because I am hearing about the loss of one of my trans siblings. These losses happen all the time. On Transgender Day of Remembrance, we read a list naming the people we've lost to violence and suicide. These lists are so long that you can't make it to through them without ending up numb, checked out, or chocked up, with your face in your hands. All slippery hot from the accumulation of ache and fury.

Gluten Anger and Anxiety: a hissy fit thrown in honor of all those armchair gluten experts

Last night my partner and I went out for dinner. And I ended up eating two slices of very glutinous pizza by accident. We had ordered the gluten free crust (for an additional 4 bucks) but I guess it was too loud or something to hear/remember that.

A few bites into the second slice (I'd wolfed the first down because I was viciously hungry) I noticed that it was very sticky and doughy in my mouth, in a way that most GF stuff never is. My chest was also beginning to feel a bit tight. I'd been struggling with some hunger-related anxiety before we'd ordered food and just assumed I was being paranoid and feeling the tail end of my anxiety in my chest. But when the bill came there was no extra charge for a wheat free crust, and from my side glances at the pizza on other guests' plates I knew that I'd been served the regular crust.

When my partner informed the waitperson of the mistake she said the discomfort I feel after eating wheat must be psychosomatic. She said this instead of apologizing. She recommended herbal tea and a change of perspective.

Now I do have a level of empathy for this waiter. I work a customer service job too. I know it's tough to find the the right thing to say and how easy it is to say something offensive or inappropriate when you're trying express concern or get on a customer's wave length. Mistakes are inevitable. Sometimes customers walk away from my register with weirded out looks on their faces. And most of the time I blame them for their not getting me. So I get it.

But fuck. I am angry at her.

I spent last night feeling like I'd wolfed down a handful of Grow Monsters, my chest tight and joints aching.


I haven't been able to take a shit today. And I only made it through my work day by balancing a cocktail of ibuprofen, imodium, and diet pepsi. I'm thankful I only ate two (small) slices. It could have been worse.

Sure I may be an anecdote in a sea of data that throws question on the whole concept of "gluten sensitivity/intolerance", but it's not like my definition and treatment of what is going on in my own body is the same thing as denying climate change or evolution. 

Gut science is extremely complex. Believe me. I had to dip just a toe in for a while and whoa are those depths ever huge and terrifying! Out of necessity I spent several months studying the digestive tract. I learned a fews things and the least of which was that it would take me years to even scratch the surface.

Some people think they have enough information to dismiss the reality of my health issues and shelve them as beneath their concerns. They do this because reading a pop-sci article on the internet apparently makes them an expert on my body.

And also something being "psychosomatic" or "all in your head" most assuredly doesn't makes the pain and discomfort any less real. When you say "it's just psychosomatic." What I hear is "Well you're not really hurting, so um can yo just get over that already. Stop being an idiot/wuss."

I'm willing to concede that my gluten sensitivity might be caused by something in my head (though why I'd deprive myself of tasty beers I'll never know). But you know what is also in people's heads?Their emotional and mental issues and that stuff is all too fucking real.

Now imagine that wall is on top of your stomach.
(image source)

It affects those afflicted deeply in a very real way.

But let's chuck that (perfectly good) analogy for a second and assume I am lying about how much gluten hurts me and that the sensitivity I feel is psychosomatic.

Doing nothing to soothe/address that "made up" pain and just telling me to "get over it" is as useless as telling yourself not to sweat, get teary, and reach for a glass of water because that pepper you just ate isn't really hurting you, it's just that your brain that thinks it is. (This is actually how capsaicin works people).

If someone ate a habanero pepper and asked you to get them some milk to calm their supposedly blazing palate, you wouldn't lecture them about how there's nothing wrong with their mouth. You wouldn't tell them "it's all in your head." You'd get them a fucking glass of milk.

So pretty please, all you sanctimonious fucks who read about some science on the internet please shut the fuck up, and learn yourself some stuff about FODMAPs. Because avoiding that shit is what I have to deal with every day. WHICH INCLUDES AVOIDING GLUTEN.

And no I was not born this way. I caught a parasite two years ago and it completely fucked up my ability to deal with most of the things that contain FODMAPS. Last year I went on an intensive four month elimination diet in order to find our what foods agitated my system. It was long and hard. If it's in my head, then my subconscious commitment to this beer-depriving bit is incredibly strong.

And yes. I am an anecdote but that doesn't me my experience isn't true and my pain is not real.


PS: There's some sort of parallel between the anger I have surrounding the doubts people express about my diet and the doubts people express gender. Perhaps I'll get to that on another day.

How to not catcall

So, it's high summer in Seattle again. And same as happens every summer, Seattlites are crawling out in droves. Sunny sidewalks and fair-weather festivals are awash with fancifully dressed humans soaking up their much needed vitamin D. Among the bustle of ice cream trucks, casual conversations are sprouting like wildfire. Sun-drunk, strangers are talking to strangers.

As awesome as summer is, not every encounter with a stranger is sunny. Sometimes it's downright unpleasant. Because catcalls.

There's many types of catcalls but the one thing they all share is their demand for the attention/response of another rather than laying ground for honest equitable conversation. Catcallers seek to illicit a reaction/response to justify the harasser's sense of importance. When people say “insecurity is a turn off” this is what they mean. Using the attentions/reactions of others to justify your own importance is creepy and disrespectful. Don't do it!

The difference between a catcall and a friendly respectful approach is more than semantic (although paying attention to content doesn't hurt). The words used to approach someone are often less important than the intuitively communicated expectations behind them.

Example 1: Just yesterday a man passing me on the sidewalk said “I'm sorry if I'm bothering you but you are a very beautiful woman.” While it might sounds like it was the “I'm sorry if I'm bothering you” that made his approach unthreatening (I've had harassers fake apologize for bothering me very often), my ease at his approach had more to do with his posture and tone of voice. He shrank his body down some, pulled his arms back and shoulders up, and maintained as wide a distance between us as the sidewalk would allow. His voice, while not a whisper, was at a volume only I could hear. Because of these and other more subtle factors of gesture and expression it became clear to me that he expected no reaction or engagement from me.

The message I got from his approach went something like this in my head: “If you have the want/energy to listen to me I'd like to share my attention/words/presence with you.”

And I actually did have some energy (but not a lot of time) to share with him. I told him I liked his t-shirt and we both continued walking in our respective directions.

Example 2: Just days before on the very same street as the previous example another man passing me on the sidewalk approached me with very similar content: “Hey, you look real nice.” But the difference between his tone and posture and those used by the man in the previous example spoke volumes. His voice was loud and his tone what I assumed to be suggestive. He looked directly at my eyes all the while I was in his visual range (hoping to force eye contact). As I passed he also leaned close and thrust his hand into my path (I assume for a handshake).

I walked around his hand and did not respond to his comment, gesture, or attempt at eye contact. As I walked on he shouted after me “What, you can't say hello!?”

The message I got from his approach: “I want your attention. Gimme. You're a jerk if you don't.”

The person in this example felt expectant and I assume even entitled to my attention based on what he shouted after me. He resented me for rejecting his approach, further confirming my read of his body language, expression, and his volume and tone of voice. And for a the few moments we continued to share the block I felt grateful to be outdoors and heading in the opposite direction of this person (folks who consider/attempt approaching strangers in captive environments like elevators or buses TAKE NOTE! The thing I felt grateful for was that I could physically get away from this person if he decided to continue seeking my attention).

On some level the approacher in the second example was gaming me for me attention. And I don't play power games with people I don't know.

The crucial difference between these two approaches is that the first approacher, clearly expressed his concern for where my boundaries and potential to interact with him might be through his body language and voice. He approached me with no expressed expectation that he would receive any attention or recognition in return for his offering of attention.

All of this is subtle and nonverbal, but it is not out of bounds for anyone who has practice using social cues to communicate with other humans.

If you're like me you're probably thinking “Okay I see how those two approaches are different but how do I DO that respectful approach thing?”

Much as I'd love to offer an actionable list, I have no specific advice about what words or gestures to use. Every person comes with their own history of experiences and every situation comes with it's own unique context.

In her comic strip Girls With Slingshots Danielle Corsetto offers a pretty solid starting point:



But I'd like to flesh out the why and how of this strategy a little bit more.

As I've explored in previous writings, nobody is entitled to the listening of another person. While I believe this to be personally true (nobody is entitled to my listening) there are many ways we social animals feel pressured or obligated to give others our listening and attention. Human beings compulsions to listen to one another can be an incredibly useful and powerful force. It's how we build, trust, relationships, and collaborative communities. But it is also a force that catcallers, trolls, & hecklers know well and love to exploit by relying on the feeling of obligation to listen/respond to those they approach.

Wanna know how to avoid triggering any feelings of obligation surrounding listening a stranger might have before you approach?

First check your wants. What do you want from this person? Attention? Attraction? Makeouts? To trade outfits? Whatever it is that's cool. Now, hear this: They don't owe you any of that. Recognize those wants. They are a legit part of who you are. File them away as potential points of interaction for later, if and only if this approach gives rise to future interactions wherein this person might want to know you and your wants better.

And finally when you approach a stranger for conversation, approach that interaction with no other expectation than to offer that other person your attention and presence.

Sounds simple right?

But in my experience this approach is scarier and more vulnerable than using any line, joke, or any other shitty social norms for getting attention.

Offering your attention/presence openly and without expectation of reciprocity or recognition is brave and raw and it's exactly what I picture whenever someone talks about “putting yourself out there.”

So yeah, it's hard. But it gets smoother with practice and after a while you may even start to feel proud of being brave enough to “put yourself out there” regardless of whether those you're approaching decide to respond to or recognize your approach.

In the event of a less than ideal response or lack of response from someone you approach try to remember that a stranger's response or lack thereof to your approach probably has little to do with you, the content, or even style of your approach. Their experience and learned contexts (which dictates what they assume about their location, and you, and you words) are going to ring much louder to them than whatever you have to say and however you have to say it. 

It's okay to be confused about why you didn't get a response. But confusion is a normal part of social life and you have to accept that a stranger's experience is something you just can't know without them letting you in. A person who doesn't know you has absolutely no obligation to give you specific feedback on what about your approach (content, style, context) didn't appeal to them. If you're concerned about or want to refine your skills for approaching strangers ask your friends or a counselor/therapist for feedback, not a stranger. 

Many people choose to ignore all strangers who approach them because of repeated instances of harassment. Someone not responding to a stranger's approach does not always mean they assume said stranger is going to harass them.

Example 3: Last week I was worried, running late and without coffee to an early doctor's appointment I was mentally prepping myself for (I hate the going to the doctor). A man passed me and said “I really like your style.” Even though I was unthreatened by the words, body language, and tone of his approach I said nothing and continued on because I did not have energy to open a conversation or even to thank him for the compliment I richly enjoyed.

Final notes and a privilege check: There are many complicated often prejudicial factors that lead folks to engage or decide not to engage with strangers. I recognize these complications but chose not to address them in this piece. If you wanna discuss that with me the comments are a great place! The examples I cite above are by no means completely representative of my interactions with strangers. While it's certainly not the only thing affecting my interactions, I recognize that in my interactions (with strangers or not) I receive some amount of privilege based on how my appearance matches that of current beauty standards. Also I live in a pretty awesome and friendly neighborhood!